U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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