Moan for me like Helen Keller
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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