He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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