Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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