It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
