Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
