I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
