Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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