Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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