He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
