Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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