dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
