The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
