he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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