Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
