Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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