Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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