The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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