I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
