FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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