Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
