i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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