I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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