my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
