How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
