Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
is that a dick in a sweater?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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