I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
