you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
