Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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