Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
