I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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