I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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