Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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