I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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