sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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