ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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