I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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