somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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