he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
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I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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