Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
