Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
