I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
