How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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