spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
