Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
