sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
