If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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