at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
