girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
