I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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