Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
