i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
