So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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