Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
