Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
