Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
