i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
