Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
