Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
