White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
